It’s the kind of thing that leaves my fingers frozen on the keyboard, staring at a blank screen. It’s when insecurities and the messy middle collide that has me stopped cold, not knowing what to do next.
These are days when I believe my story is not big enough, or brave enough, or tragedy-to-redemption enough. It’s just vanilla.
There’s nothing wrong with vanilla. I love vanilla, especially when it’s in the form of ice cream and topped with chocolate sauce, but vanilla is predictable. It’s perceived as ordinary, boring, safe. It is the crowd pleaser. Most people like it, but it’s not going to change the world, shake things up.
And, even though I worked hard last year, writing, networking, researching, I still doubt. This writing thing? Does it really matter? Does anyone, besides my mom, really care?
That doubting voice is working hard like it is her job. “Nobody wants to read vanilla.”, she says.
So, the doubting voice is there. Then there is the messy middle. It is when you have too much time, and sometimes money, invested to give up on your plan/goal, but you are not sure what to do next.
It’s when you set goals, lofty goals, and met them, but you forgot to plan what to do after that point. It’s like when you hit a plateau in weight loss. You’re trying like heck on the treadmill but all you’re doing is wearing out your shoes, the scale not moving.
Both are equally frustrating but when the two meet? Houston, we have a problem.
That’s where I am at right now. The insecurity of the messy middle. Doubting myself and this plan. Is it His plan too? Is the plan worth pursuing?
There will always be doubt…it stinks to be human sometimes, but the doubt shouldn’t be crushing.
Psalm 56: 3-4
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
Don’t fear the messy middle. Pray, then keep moving through it.
My dream is not someone else’s dream. It’s unique to me. Yours is unique to you. Believe that. Trust your gut and trudge through the messy middle. When insecurities make themselves at home, kick them out and move on.
At least that is what I am telling myself.
Keep writing. If you think I am the only one who cares to read it, do it anyway. Your children can read your post later in life and will know you had a voice worth reading. You inspire me. And I read some of your post to your aunt marylin before she passed away, and she loved them. Besides, I think you are working on writing a novel in your future.
Also, my mom is the only one who comments…LOL luv ya mom!
That’s not true. I have seen others comment. Besides I like reading what is on your mind.
maybe move to writing a book and you make it as un-vanilla as you want. next 50 shades lol…you have a way with words