Ultimately I blog for myself. To document stories of my life and the life of my family. To satisfy the voices in my head. The voices that want to speak but don’t feel they can.
I find that when I try to speak my mind, I can’t find the right words and my thoughts get lost in translation. When I write I can marinate on the words…sometimes deleting them and starting again until the words are just right. Like writing this paragraph three times.
Since I was young I have felt my voice hasn’t been heard. Forty-something years is a long time to feel a voice is silent. Growing up I was the awkward overweight “shy” kid. I hated being called shy more than being called fat. Largely, the perception of a shy person is that they have nothing worthwhile to say. I was treated as if I had nothing worthwhile to say. My feelings were dismissed.
And, so I believed the lies.
That kind of negative thinking followed me throughout adulthood.
Shyness is actually a fear of negative criticism. Fear of failure, or looking stupid. Fear that ones ideas, or thoughts, aren’t good enough. Fear of not pleasing people. Fear of being rejected.
I believed if I spoke up my worst fears would be confirmed. I was stupid. Fat. Not god enough. Add being a small town kid with a bad haircut on top of that, and you’ve got yourself one hot mess!
I spoke harsh words to myself. Often.
Who hasn’t spoke negatively to yourself? Words we won’t say to someone we love, but, yet we speak them to ourselves. We’re brutal.
You is kind. You is smart. You is important.
― Kathryn Stockett, The Help
That’s not to say that I have quietly lived with people telling me what to do. No, I have times of bravery. Times of disobedience. Trying to carve my path. Going my way when others said I shouldn’t. I’ve done “okay”, but there is something missing.
I want more. I need more.
My One Word is LEAP. Originally, I chose the word to focus around this new blog move and expansion, but, it goes so much deeper than that.
It means leaping into the unknown. It means take a leap to find my voice. It means to have a leap of faith, because I don’t know where this journey will lead…I can only have faith. It means to leap and trust God.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
— Proverbs 3:5&6
It means to leap and create something. Anything. Not everyone is going to like it, or agree with it. And that’s okay. It means to leap and be true to me. It means to leap and be true to my style, my words, my voice.
Maybe you too are trying to find your voice too. Are you nodding with me?
I am restless for more. I want to do more. Be more.
I want to make a difference, even if it is small. Being ho-hum and scared doesn’t work anymore.
How about you? Is there something that is holding you back from leaping? Are you like me, restless for something more? Ready to leap?